I Need A Goddamn Time Machine

Here Is What I Would Do If I Had a Time Machine.

I would get in this time machine and I would skip past the 43 different UFC cards between now and November 2 that I have no interest whatsoever in. I would go to November 2 and I would watch Jorge Masvidal fight Nate Diaz for the Baddest Motherfucker Championship. That is what I would do.

There are many other important things I could and probably should do if I had a time machine. There are so many good things I could do for the world, like going back in time and buying Apple and Google stock and become the richest person alive. I could even do some shit for mixed martial arts. I could go back and watch the early awesome PRIDE cards, or I could tell Tim Sylvia to stop wearing his fucking heavyweight championship everywhere he went. I could go back and tell Matt Riddle to just forget the whole fighting thing and go straight into pro wrestling. I could go back and tell Brock Lesnar to please not do the breakdance, no matter how badly Cain Velasquez beats the shit out of him, or teach him how not to give Frank Mir the easiest win in the history of easy wins.

I could do some kind of arson somewhere in Vegas so firefighter Steve Mazzagatti wouldn’t be there to ruin Jon Jones’ perfect record with bad refereeing. I could smoke weed with Nick and Nate Diaz on the day weed was decriminalized in California, except I did that and it was awesome, so never mind.

I could go back and find out what the fuck Bjorn Rebney meant by MEXICO and whether he really went to MEXICO and, if he did, what he did in MEXICO for all those years until he came back and started a fighter association that flamed out in record time. I could also find out what happened to Franklin McNeil.

I could do all of those things.

But what I would do right now, if I had this fucking time machine, is to go forward to November 2 and watch Jorge Masvidal vs. Nate Diaz.

I would do this even though Masvidal and Diaz got together today at Madison Square Garden for a press conference to hype their fight and talk some shit about two pieces and sodas and real motherfuckers, and then they didn’t do any of that. Instead, the two most exciting men in the UFC, the two baddest motherfuckers in the game, said the same shit that, oh, Rafael Ricardosono and Steven Mallfarts would say. (I have no idea if these are actual UFC fighters. They might be, though).

Like, someone asked about Masvidal giving Leon Edwards his famous two piece and a soda, which was awesome, and what kind of combo meal did he have in store for Nate?

“He's a different caliber than the guys that you mentioned and I've seen him pull through some tough situations and win those decisions,” Masvidal said, which his NOT THE THING I WANTED TO HEAR.

Yes, sure, Jorge, we have seen Nate Diaz be a tough motherfucker. That’s kind of his brand. Also his brand is doing whatever he wants to do. And smoking weed. But can we talk about other things? Things that have nothing to do with your opponent being a tough motherfucker?

And man, I really don’t like Respectful Nate Diaz. I mean, I like him. That’s the real Nate Diaz—he is the nicest dude you will ever meet—but what I wanted was the Other Nate Diaz. You know the one. He shows up in public from time to time and captures our imaginations and our hearts.

And yet, despite my great disappointment at the respect shown between these two, I would still get in my fucking time machine and cruise on over to November 2. Because folks, there’s no other fight that comes close to matching this one. None.

One more thing: Masvidal said he was done talking about Conor McGregor? This was funny.

Nobody is ever done talking about Conor McGregor.

The press conference wasn’t a total loss, of course.

Dana White got some good digs in at Colby Covington, and if there’s any way to make me a Dana White fan again, it’s to shit on Colby Covington’s head. Covington had a date booked with Kamaru Usman for the UFC welterweight title on this November 2 show, but then Colby’s false sense of superstardom kicked in and, before he knew it, he was on the outs again. Which is very funny, especially when it was followed once again by Covington going super beta and whining about being disrespected. That’s the kind of thing I can get into.

"Colby Covington can say whatever he wants," White said. "We make fights for a living, that's what we do. We go after guys and say, 'This is next, this is the date, do you want the fight?' And obviously, he wanted more money to fight Usman. We went back and forth.

"This is the second time he's done it. He had a title fight in Dallas, too. So, we said if you don't want to fight Usman, then we'll give you Tyron Woodley. He turned down Tyron Woodley, too. You either want to fight or you don't. When Colby Covington wants to fight, he'll let us know."

Please let it be never.